The Silicon Valley 10 & 1 09.01.10: Top 10 Reasons To Hate Samus Posted by Justin Weinblatt on 09.01.2010
From being a tease and having a ruthless disregard for the environment to being a horrible mother and being a government pawn, 411′s Justin Weinblatt looks the top 10 reasons to hate Samus! Plus, Trish Stratus is our & 1 Model of the Week!
Hello and welcome back to The Silicon Valley 10 & 1 by Justin Weinblatt. Last week we took a look at the top 10 Gaming WTFs.
Last week: The Silicon Valley 10 & 1. Top 10 Gaming WTFs
10. Tommy Dreamer: Head Booker: “The pinnacle of poor taste occurs when you fight The Great Mighty Poo.”
…Hey Dixie! I just got a great idea for the main event for the next pay per view…
That’d be a step up from what they usually produce.
9. AG Awesome: In the condemned 1 there is a sequence in a clothing store or something. You walk into a room and the way is blocked by this weird mannequin. So you turn around and there are like 20 suddenly where you came in. Then you turn around again and you are surrounded by them! Man that was a wild and awesome WTF moment.
8.80′s Kid: Zelda CD-I: Wand of gamelon
When you kill the wizard he exclaims: You killed me!
Zelda’s response: Good.
You played Wand of Gamelon? WTF?!
7.Cactus: My first HUGE WTF moment was when I got to Psycho Mantis. I am actually quite surprised that was on this list (two FF8 entries? really?). Who would have ever thought to do switch controller ports? I mean somebody obviously did, but it’s not even the tenth or fifteenth thing I thought of trying!
I couldn’t decide between the two FF8 moments. As for Mantis, part of the reason I didn’t include him is because he’s been featured in a ton of columns here. The other part is that my cousin showed me the trick to beating him before I even played the game, so it didn’t have the impact on me that it did on others.
6. Guest: The first time Las Plagas ripped Leon’s head off I shit my pants. Sadly it didn’t sing.
5. Guest: Love the fact that you referred to “vintage” Jenna… that was absolutely necessary because… well… **sighs**
Sad thing is she’s still in her mid 30′s.
4.Guest: What, no Lord Revan?
Still haven’t gotten the chance to play this one. 
3.Guest: The #1 was spot on, it totally killed any development that the characters had and it turned out that they were EXACTLY the same people they were back then.
2. Shade: Guitar Hero 2, Jordan, nuff said
1.The Dutch: On Day Of Reckoning I’m surprised you didn’t mention the fact that Batista (who was/would be a multi-time world champion) was replaced on Smackdown by of all people, Charlie Haas. That’s right, the developers put ‘The Master Impressionist’ Charlie Haas on the same level as Batista. Charlie Haas rose your hand at the end of Wrestlemania.
Lol. I forgot about that.
And now, moving on to this week’s list…
For the past few weeks Samus has been praised on any corner of the internet. As an avid Samus-hater I was upset. Then, the issue came to my front door. I found out that I had to do a Metroid column for this week, and I was enraged. I truly and deeply loathe Samus, and the thought of having to heap praise upon her made my blood boil. So, I decided I would make a column explaining exactly why I hate Samus.
Top 10 Reasons I Hate Samus10.She’s a Master Chief Rip Off
Once something becomes popular, you have imitators. When Bungie produced their masterpiece, Halo, every man woman and child put on a suit of armor and started blasting aliens. Nintendo decided to capitalize on Halo’s immense popularity, and created their own space marine character. They slapped a layer of red and yellow paint over Master Chief, and thus Samus was born. Nintendo should be truly ashamed at their blatant imitation of the most original character design of the past decade.
9.She’s a Tease
Why do we play Metroid? Is it for the thrill of exploration exploration? The polished gameplay? The tense boss battles? Nope. It’s all for the opportunity to see Samus Aran undress.
Samus, like every woman, is an exhibitionist at heart. She enjoys nothing more than getting all gussied up, and showing off her stuff for all the men out there. But, like any woman, she makes you work for it. Most women make you take them to dinner, or pick up their dry cleaning, but Samus makes you kill legions of aliens. She’s gets off on that sort of things. She’s kinky.
After going through all this work, she still doesn’t show you anything good. After beating Super Metroid in 3 hours, I deserve a little more skin. Damn you Samus! You tease you!
8. She Was Raised by Birds
Ok, Samus is hot, I’ll give you that. But, do you really want to bring her home with you? The chick was raised by birds. Not even decent, god fearing, American birds. She was raised by dirty space birds. I’d wager big bucks that Samus’ manners and personal hygiene are completely sub-par. And not to be gross, but living on a planet with no humans, do you think Samus ever… Moving on then.
7. She’s Abusive Towards Animals
Imagine that you’re an sheegoth, living out your little sheegoth life in the Phenandra drifts. Suddenly, a woman in a giant metal suit is approaching your baby. She points a gun at him, and an eerie glow surrounds her arm. Being the loving mother you are, you rush to your baby’s defense, with a fierce growl. The woman then dashes behind you, and fires a barrage of missiles at your back. As you lay dying, you remain conscious just long enough to see Samus turn her arm into a flamethrower, and burn your baby alive. And she’s supposed to be the good guy…
6. She Fucks Up Ecosystems
People keep talking about how global warming will destroy our ecosystem, but there is a much more real threat. Samus Aran. Samus doesn’t give two shits about the environment.
You see, one day Samus went to Zebes. She had a bad experience with a Metroid. One stung her or something. Now, a rational male bounty hunter would just let it slide, but Samus, being the emotional woman that she is, throws a hissy hit. By hissy fit, I mean that she goes to the home planet of the Metroids and kills all of them in cold blood. Must have been that time of the month or something.
Unfortunately for the inhabitants of SR-388, Samus never took an ecology class (which is totally understandable. Women-folk should leave book-learnin to the men). Samus never stopped to think that all creatures may have some value, even ugly little Metroids. You see, the Metroids were the only known predators of the X. The X are virus-like organisms which copy their host’s DNA, and then kill the original. With Metroids gone, the X flourished and began destroying the planet. Good job Samus.
5. She’s A Chatterbox
You know how women are. They like to talk talk talk, and then talk some more. I thought Samus was different. I played through her first 3 adventures, and barely a peep came out of her. Even in the Metroid Prime series Samus kept silent. A woman that doesn’t talk… it almost seemed too good to be true…
And of course it was. In Fusion, Samus began to start flapping her gums. Waaaaaaah. The Federation was mean to me. By Metroid: Other M, the woman won’t be quiet for a damn moment. She has to narrate everything. Boo hoo, I’m sad. My baby jellyfish is dead. I’m an unfit mother. Waaaah. If I wanted to listen to a girl whining, I’d leave my mom’s basement, and actually talk to one.
4. She’s a Government Pawn
Samus Aran is officially known as an “intergalactic bounty hunter”. While that sounds like an impressive title, she’s really just the government’s bitch.
Samus pretends to be a strong independent woman, but really she’s a lost little girl looking for guidance. Like a good little soldier, she does whatever the Federation tells her to. Destroy the Space Pirates? Yes Federation. Destroy all the Metroids? Sure thing Federation. Capture dangerous life forms to create biological weapons? Yes Sir, Adam. Samus is such a spineless pawn that in her most recent game, Other M, she has to ask permission to use any power ups. “Hey Adam, it sure is getting hot in here. Is it okay with you if I put on my Varia suit? No? Oh… ok then. I’ll just burn to death rather than stand up for myself.” Female role model my ass.
3. She Doesn’t Bake Enough Pies
Why exactly is Samus going on all these dangerous missions? Bounty hunting is men’s work. Like construction, medicine, wrestling, and moving heavy objects. Samus should take off the Power Suit, settle down with a nice man, and leave the men’s work to men. Samus has more important things to do. Like baking delicious pies, satisfying her man, looking pretty, and pumping out babies. Make me a sammich lady.
2. She’s A Terrible Mother
You know what? Take back that part about pumping out babies. In her efforts to mercilessly kill every life form in the galaxy, Samus Aran neglects her most important duty; motherhood.
After her mission to kill everything on the planet SR388, Samus decided to adopt a baby. A baby Metroid, but a baby nonetheless. It seemed like Samus would finally accept her role as a woman. Instead, she gives her baby to the Federation, for experimentation. What kind of a mother would do that to her baby? Eventually, this sets off a chain of events, where her baby is destroyed trying to save Samus. None of this would have happened if Samus had been at home, popping a Blues Clues video into the DVD player, like a good mother.
Let this be a lesson to all of the females who frequent 411games (all 3 of you); When women go to work, it’s the baby Metroids that suffer.
1. Gender Confusion
So there I am, wandering around Zebes. I’m being completely manly as I usually am. I have a cannon on my arm. Manly. I’m blasting aliens. Manly. I’m fighting pirates. Manly. I’m blasting stuff with missiles. Manly. I’m getting lost and never asking for directions. Manly.
Metroid is by far the most manly game I had ever played. And the most manly thing about it was its protagonist. It was a silent killer, in a metal suit, who shoots first, asks questions later, and blows up giant space dragons. After I’d blasted the last of my foes, it’s time to see what this gruff bastard looks like. I bet he’s just like me, with large manly muscles, and a beard down to the floor. The dude takes off his helmet and… WTF?!
NOOOOOOOO!!! MY MODEL OF MASCULINITY IS A WOMAN?! I’ve been playing as one of those vagina-having she devils all along? How can a female kick so much alien ass? At that moment, my entire world was turned upside down. Black was white, up was down, Sony was Microsoft, Bryan Danielson was Rob Terry, and pink was blue. Curse you Samus!!! Curse you for questioning my chauvinistic world views!!!!!
Well, that’s why I hate Samus. I anticipate some interesting comments on this one…
I was considering posting some pictures of Luna, to honor her passing but ummm… you know. She was a great character, and a talented wrestler, but she was no Trish Stratus in the looks department. You know who was a Trish Stratus in the looks department? Trish Stratus.
Well, that about sums it up for this week’s Silicon Valley. Keep an eye out for me on 411, and be sure to check out 411 on Twitter.
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Till next time.
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Baby Clothing
ff8, main event, switch controller
