Luke Judge

Welcome to the Digital Viking: The EDSBS Guide to Spicy Living. Published every Friday, the Digital Viking embraces zesty living with a six-part review of the essentials:

–A patron saint invoked for inspiration?
–Drink
–Comestibles
–Combustibles
–Transit
–Canon

Steady study of the Digital Viking’s recommendations will increase spiritual happiness and liver circumference. Apply weekly for best results.

PROGRAMMING NOTE: Our Heroine is in an undisclosed location this week covering a top-secret sporting event (what event? OH NOTHING), and in her place we present Dolla Bill Doug, who knows more about drankin’ than he does about picking football games, thank merciful God.

PATRON SAINT:

If the success of Justified has the badassedness of Federal Marshals on your mind, discard the fictional ones and go straight for the real thing. Bass Reeves could lift a steer out of a mud bog and then ride off stark naked to cowboy applause, allegedly beat up his slave master and get away with it,  speak several different Native American languages, shoot the “left hind leg off a contented fly sitting on a mule’s ear at a hundred yards and never ruffle a hair,” father ten children and then icily arrest one of his five sons for murder, sing softly to himself on the way into gunfights, arrest 3,000 felons in a forty year career as a federal marshal, kill fourteen men in the line of duty, and do all of this in Arkansas, Texas, and the Oklahoma territory in the late 1800s as a black man.  

The first black deputy marshal west of the Mississippi may have tortured a few men, sure, but that just goes with the whole “Jack Bauer meets Sheriff Bart” thing he had going. On top of all this he had a mustache which served as badge, shelter in a rainstorm, barfighting weapon, gun cleaner, lady-saddle, insignia in the army of indomitable badasses, and conversation piece. It’s said that local Indians used it in powdered form to improve sexual performance. We just made this up, but it would have if they’d done it. 

DRINK.

Doug:  Anyone can randomly grab a few bottles out of their liquor cabinet and invent a new passably drinkable cocktail; it takes a real student of the fermented arts to come up with something that advances the very utility of the alcoholic beverage. Fortunately, the Kirkwood Public House in East Atlanta has done just that with the “Brewdriver,” the new platinum standard in brunch drinking. Fill a pint glass about 2/3 of the way up with wheat beer, then fill it almost the rest of the way with OJ; the “almost” is because you’ve got to leave room for the dash of Grand Marnier that transforms this into a little citrusy slice of heaven. If the Nobel committee refuses to grant KPH a chemistry prize for this concoction, then at the very least it should henceforth be listed in the Physicians’ Desk Reference under hangover treatments.

Orson: Concha Y Toro Frontera: Makes Pants Disappear. Is it swirlable? No, lest you want to stain the side of a perfectly good red solo cup. Should you let it breathe? No, since as a zombie wine it requires little to no oxygen, and it wouldn’t do any good since there aren’t many notes to unravel anyway. (Notes is used in error when talking about Concha Y Toro: how about “cheap drum machine hits and the dulcet tones of a Casio SK-5 keyboard.) Should we worry about whether it matches our food? No, because if it’s a Frontera day, you’re eating a hamburger, and then like half a hot dog, and probably way too many chips out of a tupperware bowl. 

Frontera is the truth if your’e going to a wine-based event outdoors and need to tell the hate-ness from the greatness, because practical wine-drinkers will nod and recognize that while others toy around with expensive sparklers, you’ve just toted in the great roman candle firing sparkling balls of drink-doom into the dark night of sobriety. If the fifteen dollar bottles of nice stuff others bring are the tiny white booster rockets on the side of this space shuttle, the 12 dollar 1.5 L bottle of Frontera is the great orange fuel tank that sends this shit into orbit.

Bonus: it doesn’t suck, though the hangovers will have you waking up at 3 in the morning convinced you’ve time traveled, been kidnapped by Barbary Pirates, been stuffed into a steamer trunk, and then transported in the sweltering hull of a slave ship. 

COMESTIBLE.

Orson: Pad Thai. In honor of Thailand stepping up their riot game the past week, let’s honor Pad Thai, a convenient way of transferring oil via a noodle medium. Don’t get snobby with it: it’s street food in Bangkok, and can be made in the kitchen as long as you’re willing to use enough oil to properly lubricate a Russian icebreaker at full steam though the Arctic Ocean.

Pretty much the best shit ever made: Pad Thai. 

This goes for eating out as well, since pretty much any Thai restaurant can cook up a carb-loaded pile of delicious hot death for you with the basic flavors in place: fish sauce, sugar, lime, and chili, preferably augmented with a little trio of jars on the side loaded with peanuts, peppers, and sugar so you can balance the dish to your preferences. Then you should eat it with a fork or even a spoon (hybrid Chinese/Thai restaurant goers–ditch the chopsticks, they’re impractical and way un-Thai-ish), and do so in a fashion that would shame a labrador breaking into a pack of steaks. We do, and it is glorious, especially when paired with a cold beer and two hookers and good friends. 

Doug:  About ten years ago, the magazine where I was working in Atlanta gave me a cover story on barbecue. It was perhaps the greatest assignment I’d ever been given: Basically it entailed me going to a dozen or so of the ATL’s top barbecue joints and sampling their offerings on the company expense account. The unofficial champion of this exercise was Daddy D’z, an establishment that is proof positive of my cardinal rule of barbecue: The worse a place looks like on the outside — and Daddy D’z looks like it was assembled out of shacks that had been picked up by tornadoes in Oklahoma and deposited on Memorial Avenue — the better the pork is inside.

Not only are Daddy D’s ribs literally fall-off-the-bone delicious, he has achieved something unique with the “que wrap,” i.e. pork wrapped in dough and deep-fried, won-ton style. It takes a devious mind and a hell of a lot of effort to make Southern barbecue even less healthy than it already is, but dammit, he pulled it off. One hundred cocktails to you, Daddy D, wherever you are (followed by a Lipitor chaser, of course).

COMBUSTIBLE.

Doug:  Combustion don’t get much simpler than the BLU-96 “fuel-air explosive,” which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like: a bomb that sprays a bunch of gasoline in the air, then lights it all on fire. If that seems like the kind of thing a fifth-grader would’ve come up with in study hall as a particularly sadistic way of killing cockroaches . . . that ain’t far off, actually.

Orson: Chemistry speak for “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” is “chlorine trifluoride.”  Professionals fear it, and so does wet sand, just one of the many, many things chlorine trifluoride can ignite without oxygen. Read that again: chlorine trifluoride will ignite in a vacuum. This is just one of its many talents, however. Capable of burning wood, burned wood, brick, flooring, concrete, and just about anything else it comes into contact with, it was deemed too nasty to work with by the Nazis when they considered using it for a self-igniting flamethrower. 

Chemists tell fearful, awe-stricken stories when it rears its ugly head: 

It can be kept in some of the ordinary structural metals-steel, copper, aluminium, etc.-because of the formation of a thin film of insoluble metal fluoride which protects the bulk of the metal, just as the invisible coat of oxide on aluminium keeps it from burning up in the atmosphere. If, however, this coat is melted or scrubbed off, and has no chance to reform, the operator is confronted with the problem of coping with a metal-fluorine fire. For dealing with this situation, I have always recommended a good pair of running shoes.”

Lace ‘em up, because this will haunt the chemistry lab of your nightmares forever. 

TRANSIT.

Orson: The Y-wing, because my fast-twitch reflexes are way too slow to be caught in an intergalactic space battle in anything as fragile as an X-wing. 

Notice in the Star Wars series how you rarely see any of these pinwheeling into the surface of the Death Star. They’re like the Ford F-series of trucks of the Rebel Alliance, clearly made for pilots too slow to dogfight but too stubborn and pissed off to bail out of a fight. If you look closely, there are truck nuts hanging off the back of each one, and those brown stains on the front are from nebula-muddin’. 

Doug:  For four years now, Alfa Romeo has been planning to return to the U.S. market, and as befits a country that takes three hours off in the middle of the damn day to go home, drink grappa, and fuck their mistresses, they’ve been taking their sweet-ass time making these plans a reality. Right now, the only Alfa you can buy in the U.S. is the 8C Competizione, a 444-horsepower supercar that costs about as much as your house (and that’s assuming you live in a really nice house). Over the past few months, though, the Eye-talians have been dangling the prospect of an Alfa we can actually afford: the Giulietta, which packs 250 horses into a Jetta-sized hatchback and is supposed to go on sale (assuming it ever does go on sale) for right around 25 grand.

My current car is going on 11 years old, but I now have a job (woo!), and I’m on track to have my mountain of credit-card debt paid off right around the time the Giulietta is supposed to arrive in the U.S. (late next year). If you hear reports of a wild-eyed, cackling white male leading police on serial high-speed chases throughout south Georgia, you’ll know I succeeded in putting one in my garage.

CANON.

Doug:  I don’t know whether Spence and Holly have put Marvin Gaye on their shortlist for Patron Saint, but he probably ought to be there — joined the Air Force, then got out after faking a mental illness; did a bunch of drugs, went bankrupt, and lived out of a bread van in Hawaii for several years; during his comeback, showed up seven hours late to a Royal Gala Charity Show that Princess Margaret walked out of in a huff; then got shot by his own dad. Amongst all these shenanigans, Gaye somehow managed to write and record a lengthy series of R&B hits, a series that includes the album What’s Going On — possibly the greatest pop album ever made.

I could give you a laundry list of reviews backing up that assessment, but here’s all you need to know: It’s an impassioned outcry against the social injustices pervading America, and you can have sex to it.

Orson: In light of Doug’s sensitive choice, let’s swing the other way and sing the praises of RED DEAD REDEMPTION. I’m just starting to get into this, but the following are awesome knowns: 

• Pants are available for purchase in the game that have an extra card-sized pocket. 
• This is for cheating at poker.
• If caught, you can attempt to shoot your way out of the situation. 
• You can work your way up to riding a buffalo as your personal transportation into town
• You can get stinking drunk and start barfights
• You can be perfectly sober and start barfights
• Every multiplayer begins with a Mexican Standoff
• You may tie a fair maiden to the railroad tracks and let a train run her over. 

There’s nothing else I can say to recommend this game further besides what I did last night: get drunk and steal a goddamn train. ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: PETER O’TOOLE. It is, thus far, fantastic entertainment.  

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A three-bedroom, 3.5-bath home at 1533 Morton St. in Alameda is listed for sale

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Gas fireplaces have been increasing in popularity of late, especially up here in the Pacific Northwest, where it’s often cool and gray. It’s hard to beat the ease of flipping on a switch and having an instant fire.

Gas fireplaces are popular in other climates as well. For example, in Arizona, you might want the ambience of flickering flames for a romantic evening at home, but you don’t need the heat. That works fine, since gas fireplaces give you the option of operating them with the fan on or off (the fan is what’s responsible for blowing heat into the room).

If you’re reading this article you probably haven’t decided, however, if a gas fireplace is right for you. They cost anywhere from $1500 and up, and in most cases, installing one means you won’t be able to use your wood-burning fireplace any more. (Most gas fireplaces come as inserts that fit into your old firebox.) To help you decide, let’s look at the pros and cons of each:

Pros of Wood-burning Fireplaces

–You get the crackling realism of a true fire.

–You can practice your fire-building skills every time you want some extra heat.

–They can bring the family together during a power outage.

Cons of Wood-burning Fireplaces

–You have to haul the wood inside, often up stairs.

–You have to clean ashes out of the hearth regularly.

–It takes time to build a regular fire, and then it’s a bad idea to leave the house or go to bed as long as it’s still burning, so you’re committed to a fire for hours.

–Much of the heat goes up the chimney, because wood-burning fireplaces are not energy efficient.

Pros of Gas Fireplaces

–You can have warmth and a fire at the flick of a switch.

–They are energy efficient and warm up a room quickly.

–You don’t need to worry about chimney sweeps, creosote, and chimney fires.

Cons of Gas Fireplaces

–Though the flames on many gas fireplaces today are quite realistic, you don’t have the sound of crackling wood and the genuine feel of a fire.

–Potential homebuyers who haven’t been turned on to the comfort and ease a gas fireplace provides, may prefer a traditional wood-burning hearth.

As you can see, there are arguments for both sides. Is a gas fireplace better than a wood-burning unit? This is something that depends on the tastes of the fireplace-user. It’s really up to you and your preferences as to whether you want one over the other.

As someone with two gas fireplaces in the house, I will say that many people don’t realize just how wonderful they are until they’ve owned one themselves. We started with one upstairs, and soon after installed the second in our downstairs fireplace. You just can’t beat the convenience of getting out of bed on a cold morning and snapping on the gas fireplace, so you can warm your buns while you dress. And many of today’s models have remote controls and automatic timers, so you can program the fireplace to turn on ten or fifteen minutes before your alarm goes off, or you can have the unit turn off after you’ve gone to sleep. You just don’t get that kind of immediate satisfaction with a wood-burning unit.

And, if you’re still drawn to the idea of a wood fire, there’s always the backyard. Outdoor fire pits are increasingly popular these days.

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Buying outdoor patio furniture is an exciting task for all. It includes choosing the right item by the process of mix n’ match of colors and designs of home and furniture. The most important thing though is that you are choosing the furniture that is well suited in your personal preference so it will serve its function properly.

The first priority before buying in outdoor patio furniture comes from the comfort that you would greatly need. Aside from that other people would also base the comfort that some guest would look after tin one’s home. When it comes to beautifying your outdoor spaces, patio, decks, porch, garden or backyard, you would really need furniture to fit in to the empty space to make it look more functional and comfortable.

There are many things that as a pre-interested buyer need. It is because that nowadays, there is wide varieties of designs, colors and materials that were often used to construct furniture. Different kinds of material such as plastic, wood, metal, and plastic are commonly found in the market. There are so many lists and it gets bigger and wider every now and then. Like for an example, wicker furniture is an ultra lightweight type of furniture. This is ideal furniture that can be transferred from one place to another. Plastic furniture can be a practical and economical option for those who are saving money and have a very tight budget for furniture.

Teak outdoor patio furniture is another type of furniture that some would choose in buying, though this cost much expensive than the others, this is considered as the most durable and sturdiest furniture that you could have for your home. In buying the right items and furniture sets, make sure that you had a good and careful planning in blending the color of furniture and your home. The scheme and the setting must coordinate well to make a good environment.

Before finally purchasing the outdoor patio furniture, make sure that you have good lists that will help you compare items from each other. That is why it is important to plan before the final decision making. To help you decide what to really buy – there are available websites online that can guide you through properly. You will be able to find lots of ideas regarding what to buy the appropriate outdoor patio furniture for your home that you can truly enjoy. What matters most is that it is something that you really want and that truly fit your taste for your home.

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Discount garden benches are available on the Internet, at garden utility stores and in furniture shops. They are basically garden benches that are available at a discounted rate due to either some of the shop’s special offers, a promotional festival or because of your good luck and timing to buy a garden bench!

Wherever you do venture to buy a discount garden bench, it is always advisable to check on the condition of the garden bench. You are paying a good amount of money for the garden bench, and you would want it to come for some time of usage. First of all, make sure that there are no faults or damages made to the garden bench. If there are minor damages, there is always the possibility of getting more discounts. It is always better to buy a garden bench that has fewer screws and bolts. You can avail of discount garden benches of various materials. There are garden benches made of metal, wood, stone and plastic. If you prefer something long lasting and reasonable, go in for stone or metal benches. They last for quite some time, though they are a bit uncomfortable to sit on. Rectify this problem by using a cushion while sitting on it! Of wooden benches, though teak garden benches are the most expensive, they are the most worth worthy. Plastic garden benches are not that durable, but are light enough to be shifted from room to room.

Whatever the make of discount garden bench you plan to buy, make sure you have got yourself a good buy before paying for it. Try to get some discount in the shipping too, if there is any shipping to be done, otherwise the discount that you got on the bench will be compensated in the shipping charges. And last of all, make sure you claim your rightful bargain and discount on the garden bench!

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Tags: Benches, Discount, garden

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 23rd, 2010 at 4:10 am and is filed under BLOG. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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