Barry Tompkins: Barbie’s dream world isn’t what you’d imagine
I NEVER MUCH CARED for Barbie.
Quite frankly, I thought of her as kind of spoiled, sort of me-first-oriented, and entirely too fond of pink. She also seemed to live in a dream world that just smacked of a sorority girl from someplace like Manhattan Beach or the Hamptons. as to her taste in men — Ken? Really?
I guess I don’t have to tell you that I never owned a Barbie, or a Ken, or a pink dollhouse. My mother knew better. My Tonka trucks would have wreaked havoc on the poor girl and her entire pink society. there would have been plastic bloodshed.
But, a YouTube video that has now gone viral (24 million hits when last I looked) would apparently put me in the great minority. It seems that not only do people want to play with Barbies — they want to be Barbie. And the YouTube video shows them how.
Here’s the rub: Makeup can only do so much in one’s pursuit of being Barbie. Although I did find the application of a concealer that covers “all the imperfections on your face” interesting, the imperfections on my face are my face. Maybe if I use this stuff I could look like Brad Pitt.
More to the point, while the Barbie wannabe might be able to pull off the blond wig, cupid lips and drugstore eyelashes with accompanying pink accessories, there just aren’t many pretenders out there with a Barbie body. And I think that’s a good thing.
You see, researchers who have entirely too much time on their hands have determined that were Barbie a real live humanoid her measurements would be 36-18-33 and she’d be 5 feet 9 inches tall and weigh 110 pounds. Oh, and one other impediment to reality is that her legs are so long that were she real, she would not be able to move in an upright position but instead would need to walk on all fours.
Moreover, it seems as though Barbie — at least in my house — was something of a promiscuous wench. In researching this yarn I spoke to my now-adult daughters and asked them about their days living with Barbie and her band of naughty friends. You should have heard the stories of what went on inside the armoire in the bedroom while my kids, in childlike innocence, slept peacefully nearby.
It seems that Barbie and Ken and their friends like Midge, Steven, Skipper, Todd and his twin sister Staci, Blaine and Frannie were having parties that would make the Marquis de Sade blush. They’d be found in the morning in a pile, clothes everywhere, body parts missing. I finally talked my eldest, Andrea, into admitting that Steven didn’t really have post-traumatic stress disorder from his days in Vietnam, but that it was the family Airedale, Casey, that had eaten Steven’s arm off. Debauchery and savagery were rampant. I feel blessed that my kids turned out to be wonderful adults despite the little blonde bimbo they loved so much.
Barbie is now 59 years old and looking good after many surgeries. She and Blaine, the Australian surfer, were married and divorced when he ran off with both Staci and her twin brother Todd. Ken and Skipper got married and now own a small salon in Noe Valley. Christie and Steven joined the Black Panther Party when they realized that, while their plastic bodies were African-American, they had the exact same face as Barbie and Ken.
Sadly, Barbie’s pink house is in foreclosure and she’s having to turn a few tricks to pay her rent. if you need her, she’s in the armoire.
Barry Tompkins is a longtime sports broadcaster who lives in Marin. Contact him at barrytompkins@barrytompkins.com.
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Freedom Chicken Whirligig, Chicks n’all, and Ms. Nosey are titles of creative and fascinating folk art works arriving at Thomaston Upson Arts Council for the October 9th Folk Art Village Sale and Reception. Arts Tourism brings dollars and jobs to local communities and the 2nd Annual Bluebird Folk Art Village is expected to be a highlight this weekend drawing area folk art fans to visit and shop in downtown Thomaston.
A Closer Look At Reborn Baby Dollsby: Andrew Scherer on Mon, 13 Sep 2010 at: 10:46 AM Go to: Previous Article Next Article